It's been a little while since I've been on here. Please forgive me; and speaking of forgiving, it is the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday they call it. I'm not shopping. I'm sitting and writing this instead.
My dogs are at my feet. The door is open so we have a breeze coming through in this Tampa tropic.
We will go for a walk in a little while, the little dog and me. We have some magazines to take to the little library box around the corner. It's really cool. The books are free; there's no checkout system. You just get one if you want one and put one in if you don't need it anymore. So that's what we're going to do.
This is my second Thanksgiving without my husband, David, and it sucks! Big time.
We used to spend Thanksgiving Day going from my Mom's to David's Mom's and home again.
Wearing ourselves out but enjoying the visit and the food and the pictures.
Yesterday was not like that at all. My son is working and my grandchildren are busy elsewhere. I spent the day reading and playing games - the same as most days. I DID eat some bean pie. It wasn't what i craved.
And i grieved.
I grieved for what WAS. I grieved for the life i used to enjoy. I grieved for that which will never - NEVER - be the same.
My friends are mostly back in Texas, some are in NY and Cali and points in between. They send me love across the net. I'm grateful for them and their thoughts.
AND i grieve that i can not reach out and physically touch them.
Maybe next year will be better; though i don't depend on it. Maybe I'll be less depressed and have friends here who will include me in their celebrations.
Maybe.
Until then, i grieve.
Friday, November 25, 2016
Saturday, November 5, 2016
The First Year: don't expect much from me
Sometimes we let expectations get in the way of seeing what's real. I know that for the year following my husband's death (and beyond, truth be told) I missed a lot and i really don't know whether I contributed much to society, to the world.
So try not to feel disheartened by my lack of knowing things that you take for granted. I wasn't a real news watcher to begin with and when something as major as losing my husband occurred, everything else just sort of fell away and lost any import.
I had no idea that there was a hurricane about these parts until a tree literally fell on our house.
The deaths of several celebrities and world figures were news to me just the other day - these passings of a year or so ago. I was unaware that the Samsung phones were exploding or that the Dixie Chicks had made a comeback!
I am saying i missed a lot. A lot of stuff that becomes trivial when my world has, once again, been turned inside out.
I am seeing a therapist (i highly recommend someone you can vent to who does not judge).
i am tending to my physical needs as well; seeing doctors and getting things repaired. I am even getting back into volunteering with at risk kids. My painting is therapeutic as well as beginning to provide extra money. All these things i am doing without the love of my life.
And it is phenomenally hard.
The goings on of the outer world are starting to interest me somewhat...with a presidential race so vile, who could miss it?
Maybe I'll catch up. Maybe not.
Either way, i ask that you have mercy on me. Don't expect more than i can give right now.
You can fill me in on what I've missed when the time feels right.
So try not to feel disheartened by my lack of knowing things that you take for granted. I wasn't a real news watcher to begin with and when something as major as losing my husband occurred, everything else just sort of fell away and lost any import.
I had no idea that there was a hurricane about these parts until a tree literally fell on our house.
The deaths of several celebrities and world figures were news to me just the other day - these passings of a year or so ago. I was unaware that the Samsung phones were exploding or that the Dixie Chicks had made a comeback!
I am saying i missed a lot. A lot of stuff that becomes trivial when my world has, once again, been turned inside out.
I am seeing a therapist (i highly recommend someone you can vent to who does not judge).
i am tending to my physical needs as well; seeing doctors and getting things repaired. I am even getting back into volunteering with at risk kids. My painting is therapeutic as well as beginning to provide extra money. All these things i am doing without the love of my life.
And it is phenomenally hard.
The goings on of the outer world are starting to interest me somewhat...with a presidential race so vile, who could miss it?
Maybe I'll catch up. Maybe not.
Either way, i ask that you have mercy on me. Don't expect more than i can give right now.
You can fill me in on what I've missed when the time feels right.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
It's been a while...
"It's been a while now since..."
And don't think i don't know that you expect me to be DONE.
No, not all of you.
Some very close to me, however, seem to think enough time has passed since my latest loss that i ought to be WELL; that my tears ought to be dried; that my heart should be DONE with grieving.
They want me to get back to NORMAL!
As i have said before: THIS is the new normal. This is me. Me, with a heart broken open. Me, with eyes at the ready to shed whatever tears may come. Me, flawed and a little scared; a little tentative to get back into the world with its demands to be over it.
Yeah. I'll never be over it. You cannot love deeply and remain the same after losing your partner, friend, spouse, child, dear one.
So, instead of having expectations that fit what you need to see, why not ask what is next for me? Come to me with a willingness to be uncomfortable, to be challenged. I will let you know when i am ready to start anew.
You say you love me. Will you help me cross a threshold that is foreign to me? Will you hold my hand?
And don't think i don't know that you expect me to be DONE.
No, not all of you.
Some very close to me, however, seem to think enough time has passed since my latest loss that i ought to be WELL; that my tears ought to be dried; that my heart should be DONE with grieving.
They want me to get back to NORMAL!
As i have said before: THIS is the new normal. This is me. Me, with a heart broken open. Me, with eyes at the ready to shed whatever tears may come. Me, flawed and a little scared; a little tentative to get back into the world with its demands to be over it.
Yeah. I'll never be over it. You cannot love deeply and remain the same after losing your partner, friend, spouse, child, dear one.
So, instead of having expectations that fit what you need to see, why not ask what is next for me? Come to me with a willingness to be uncomfortable, to be challenged. I will let you know when i am ready to start anew.
You say you love me. Will you help me cross a threshold that is foreign to me? Will you hold my hand?
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Suicide's Aftermath
Words from my grandson, Tyehimba Crear,
Soundcloud.com https://soundcloud.com/tyehimba-crear/horizon.
He wrote this about 1.5 years before his death...
HORIZON
"Every single person is a different type of love. It's not about being in love.
The only way to NOT be in love is to be in hate.
.....Can't be unhappy, I can feel your happiness from miles away.
....Knowing people is loving people.
....My mission. To personally get to know every single one of my Facebook friends.
Because I want to. Cuz that's love. Love Power Slay the hate.
...In my world, no one gets played, no one gets hurt, and its all good."
I have heard so much about the selfishness of the person who suicides. The anger and disappointment of those 'left behind' gives rise to the blame the victim game.
In the aftermath, survivors try to find relief. That sometimes comes at the expense of the truth. There is no cure for the pain so we look for the reasons behind it.
Unfortunately they are not often clear and it becomes easier to fall into that rhythmic thinking of "i hurt and someone has to be held accountable".
The reality is that the person who died most probably thought they were saving us from pain by leaving.
The reality of mental illness, generally depression, is that the only way out oft times looks like death.
The reality is that, especially when 'voices' are added to the mix, the decision to die almost takes on a light at the end of the tunnel significance.
No, i will not stand by and allow anyone to blame my child for what he must have seen as his only salvation.
The pain of the illness is heavy enough; please refrain from laying responsibility for our own reactions on the victim.
Soundcloud.com https://soundcloud.com/tyehimba-crear/horizon.
He wrote this about 1.5 years before his death...
HORIZON
"Every single person is a different type of love. It's not about being in love.
The only way to NOT be in love is to be in hate.
.....Can't be unhappy, I can feel your happiness from miles away.
....Knowing people is loving people.
....My mission. To personally get to know every single one of my Facebook friends.
Because I want to. Cuz that's love. Love Power Slay the hate.
...In my world, no one gets played, no one gets hurt, and its all good."
I have heard so much about the selfishness of the person who suicides. The anger and disappointment of those 'left behind' gives rise to the blame the victim game.
In the aftermath, survivors try to find relief. That sometimes comes at the expense of the truth. There is no cure for the pain so we look for the reasons behind it.
Unfortunately they are not often clear and it becomes easier to fall into that rhythmic thinking of "i hurt and someone has to be held accountable".
The reality is that the person who died most probably thought they were saving us from pain by leaving.
The reality of mental illness, generally depression, is that the only way out oft times looks like death.
The reality is that, especially when 'voices' are added to the mix, the decision to die almost takes on a light at the end of the tunnel significance.
No, i will not stand by and allow anyone to blame my child for what he must have seen as his only salvation.
The pain of the illness is heavy enough; please refrain from laying responsibility for our own reactions on the victim.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Poem for David
Without You
I move into the tiny room.
Has it been a year?
Or just a lifetime?
Each step is further into the abyss.
Can i still see your peaceful face?
I sit upon the waiting chair and reach out for your hand.
Can i be alone now, so long without my best friend?
The chaos in my head does not disrupt my movement - i am not really here!
I simply make the expected gestures and pretend.
How long has it actually been since that day?
You are not cold, like my frightened heart.
You lie quietly on the narrow bed.
Even now - these many days passed- i try to understand the why's and what if's. I don't.
The others stand around us and all i hear is silence...i can not move from your side.
Today i watch as the scene plays out so often in my mind.
Like a sad, sad song or a poorly written script, it drags on.
I ask the nurse if you can stay in that tiny room instead of going down with all the dead..."he does not know them" i explain.
And she agrees. Says you can wait right here in the little room.
So many lifetimes later i try to bargain ...maybe i could go in place of you.
The answer is always the same and i have to reinvent my life again.
Without you.
I move into the tiny room.
Has it been a year?
Or just a lifetime?
Each step is further into the abyss.
Can i still see your peaceful face?
I sit upon the waiting chair and reach out for your hand.
Can i be alone now, so long without my best friend?
The chaos in my head does not disrupt my movement - i am not really here!
I simply make the expected gestures and pretend.
How long has it actually been since that day?
You are not cold, like my frightened heart.
You lie quietly on the narrow bed.
Even now - these many days passed- i try to understand the why's and what if's. I don't.
The others stand around us and all i hear is silence...i can not move from your side.
Today i watch as the scene plays out so often in my mind.
Like a sad, sad song or a poorly written script, it drags on.
I ask the nurse if you can stay in that tiny room instead of going down with all the dead..."he does not know them" i explain.
And she agrees. Says you can wait right here in the little room.
So many lifetimes later i try to bargain ...maybe i could go in place of you.
The answer is always the same and i have to reinvent my life again.
Without you.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
It's NOT okay
Pleeeease refrain from the repetition of that worn out word.
It is not okay that my grandson, who had such gifts and wisdom and so many worlds to conquer, because the anguish was too great, took himself off this plane; took his own life rather than sit one more day with the voices and the pain.
It will also never ever be okay that my rock, my heart- mate, my companion of more than 46 years is nowhere on this earth to be found; that his human self is no more.
I realize i say it's ok at times when someone is struggling. We say it because we don't know what else to do.
You really don't have to say anything at all. Just be here with me. Be available. Be ready to listen. Be.
Someday i will reach a point where i no longer feel the bitterness of life jerked away from me. The pain will surely lessen and my eyes will dry a bit.
Maybe i will accept that life, living is not fair...
The nature of the beast is such that we begin our habitation of these feeble, fleshy bodies with the end-game being death. The cessation of existence in this current form. Most days that is not as heavy as it is today. Most days.
You can help by understanding that i will never be simply "okay" again. The hurt will never be absent. I am irrevocably changed both by the crossing of my dear ones and by having loved them so completely.
It is not okay that my grandson, who had such gifts and wisdom and so many worlds to conquer, because the anguish was too great, took himself off this plane; took his own life rather than sit one more day with the voices and the pain.
It will also never ever be okay that my rock, my heart- mate, my companion of more than 46 years is nowhere on this earth to be found; that his human self is no more.
I realize i say it's ok at times when someone is struggling. We say it because we don't know what else to do.
You really don't have to say anything at all. Just be here with me. Be available. Be ready to listen. Be.
Someday i will reach a point where i no longer feel the bitterness of life jerked away from me. The pain will surely lessen and my eyes will dry a bit.
Maybe i will accept that life, living is not fair...
The nature of the beast is such that we begin our habitation of these feeble, fleshy bodies with the end-game being death. The cessation of existence in this current form. Most days that is not as heavy as it is today. Most days.
You can help by understanding that i will never be simply "okay" again. The hurt will never be absent. I am irrevocably changed both by the crossing of my dear ones and by having loved them so completely.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Particulars: about suicide
The loss of a loved one to suicide is so very different from most other losses. It brings with it so many layers of pain and confusion, so many questions that will always be unanswered, at least in this lifetime.
It has been much harder for me to accept my grandson's death than any other that I have experienced in my entire life. It's hard to even know how to ask for what I need. Those questions about why what if how...they remain unanswered and, indeed, none would satisfy me i suspect.
The one BIG thing i ask is that you ask...how i am, if i need to talk. And that you acknowledge my pain.
Please do not let that perceived stigma of societal fear of all things to do with mental health stand in your way. Be brave...i am trying to be.
Mental illness is NOT a dirty secret to be locked away and left unspoken. It is real. It is debilitating - both for those suffering with it and those who care about someone who does. It does not help ANYONE to ignore it. It certainly does not bring solutions.
I need you to honor that my child lived, that he meant the world to me and that i shall always have a hole in my heart. I need you to speak about him with respect.
If you know someone who has lost a person to suicide or who has attempted it themselves please allow them a safe space to express the hurt, anger, fear and all the other emotions that they most probably suppress in daily life.
Offer your strength when i feel weak, your understanding when i am confused and your heart when i feel hopeless.
Namaste'.
It has been much harder for me to accept my grandson's death than any other that I have experienced in my entire life. It's hard to even know how to ask for what I need. Those questions about why what if how...they remain unanswered and, indeed, none would satisfy me i suspect.
The one BIG thing i ask is that you ask...how i am, if i need to talk. And that you acknowledge my pain.
Please do not let that perceived stigma of societal fear of all things to do with mental health stand in your way. Be brave...i am trying to be.
Mental illness is NOT a dirty secret to be locked away and left unspoken. It is real. It is debilitating - both for those suffering with it and those who care about someone who does. It does not help ANYONE to ignore it. It certainly does not bring solutions.
I need you to honor that my child lived, that he meant the world to me and that i shall always have a hole in my heart. I need you to speak about him with respect.
If you know someone who has lost a person to suicide or who has attempted it themselves please allow them a safe space to express the hurt, anger, fear and all the other emotions that they most probably suppress in daily life.
Offer your strength when i feel weak, your understanding when i am confused and your heart when i feel hopeless.
Namaste'.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Touch
A friend of mine, Devin Wright, has written a book called 'When Touch Becomes a Luxury'. The title alone almost brings me to my knees.
Something true for me and perhaps not true for all is that I am severely touch deprived. Since my husband's passing i am sorely missing the big, enveloping bear hugs he gave me. I could simply walk into his energy field and he would encompass me with love. I am, without a doubt, living in a lack of touch.
What to do? Go out and hug strangers? Probably not a good idea! They have laws you know.
So I set about to find a way to meet my needs. Your friend who is experiencing deep grief may have the same issues as me. They may also be seeking simple human touch. Knowing them as you do you can venture that touch. Allow them a safe space to express their needs. And, if you can, reach out physically... A Simple Touch on the arm is often enough.
For me i have determined that massage will no longer be a luxury. I will commit to having frequent massages as a part of my ongoing Health Care. And more hair styling appointments as i love the feel of fingers in my hair.
I am also intrigued by what my friend just told me about as a partial answer to this need...a cuddle group. Now before you become concerned I am researching them. There are several in the country and a couple here in Florida. These groups are facilitated by a trained and documented and vetted person with the goal of meeting our human touch needs.
I will keep you posted on this possibility...i admit to reservations about meeting strangers for such intimate sharing of feelings...AND i see how therapeutic it could be. A group of concerned and compassionate people gathering to support one another on a platonic and heart based level.
Wish me luck. And remember that someone in mourning may not be able to express this longing for contact.
Good grieving to you.
Something true for me and perhaps not true for all is that I am severely touch deprived. Since my husband's passing i am sorely missing the big, enveloping bear hugs he gave me. I could simply walk into his energy field and he would encompass me with love. I am, without a doubt, living in a lack of touch.
What to do? Go out and hug strangers? Probably not a good idea! They have laws you know.
So I set about to find a way to meet my needs. Your friend who is experiencing deep grief may have the same issues as me. They may also be seeking simple human touch. Knowing them as you do you can venture that touch. Allow them a safe space to express their needs. And, if you can, reach out physically... A Simple Touch on the arm is often enough.
For me i have determined that massage will no longer be a luxury. I will commit to having frequent massages as a part of my ongoing Health Care. And more hair styling appointments as i love the feel of fingers in my hair.
I am also intrigued by what my friend just told me about as a partial answer to this need...a cuddle group. Now before you become concerned I am researching them. There are several in the country and a couple here in Florida. These groups are facilitated by a trained and documented and vetted person with the goal of meeting our human touch needs.
I will keep you posted on this possibility...i admit to reservations about meeting strangers for such intimate sharing of feelings...AND i see how therapeutic it could be. A group of concerned and compassionate people gathering to support one another on a platonic and heart based level.
Wish me luck. And remember that someone in mourning may not be able to express this longing for contact.
Good grieving to you.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Some DO's
Here, as promised, are some things and words that actually helped me. When one you care about is deep in grief you can support them.
The biggest thing to me is not being judged!
In your interaction with a griever be unconditional. Leave the blame/guilt game out of it. No one knows how one's own reaction might be in a similar situation.
And it does not help to hear an opinion as to 'good or bad' ...it is neither; it just IS.
Express your honest concern. Grief IS the elephant in the room...do not ignore it. How sad it was for me to think that you don't care. And how comforting to hear in your voice compassion.
Be truly available. One hears so often "call if you need anything". Maybe i do need something yet i don't know what. Perhaps you could just come to me and wait while i figure it out.
Offer some very practical services. Especially if the loss was of someone very close it is easy to forget practicalities. When my husband died I was not thinking about much at all; i was running on autopilot.
My dear, dear friend, M. E., not only lent her heart to me for hearing my pain she also provided advice and assistance in dealing with things that just have to get done. She made a binder for me with items that needed attention and sectioned it off into "immediate", "next week", "monthly", etc. She even made some difficult calls for me in those first few days...like dealing with the funeral home and notifying people of my spouse's death.
Last on this post though surely not least LISTEN. Between the lines and in the silence...listen with your heart.
The biggest thing to me is not being judged!
In your interaction with a griever be unconditional. Leave the blame/guilt game out of it. No one knows how one's own reaction might be in a similar situation.
And it does not help to hear an opinion as to 'good or bad' ...it is neither; it just IS.
Express your honest concern. Grief IS the elephant in the room...do not ignore it. How sad it was for me to think that you don't care. And how comforting to hear in your voice compassion.
Be truly available. One hears so often "call if you need anything". Maybe i do need something yet i don't know what. Perhaps you could just come to me and wait while i figure it out.
Offer some very practical services. Especially if the loss was of someone very close it is easy to forget practicalities. When my husband died I was not thinking about much at all; i was running on autopilot.
My dear, dear friend, M. E., not only lent her heart to me for hearing my pain she also provided advice and assistance in dealing with things that just have to get done. She made a binder for me with items that needed attention and sectioned it off into "immediate", "next week", "monthly", etc. She even made some difficult calls for me in those first few days...like dealing with the funeral home and notifying people of my spouse's death.
Last on this post though surely not least LISTEN. Between the lines and in the silence...listen with your heart.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Arm chair critique
To continue the litany of inaporopriate and possibly unhealthy behaviors and words I'd like to talk for a minute about the person who likes to "call the game" from a position of onlooker or hindsight observer; the why and what sayers.
1 "Why keep trying for a baby; why not adopt?"
2 "Why didn't you call 911?"
3 "Why didn't he go to the doctor?"
4 "When will you get back to 'normal'?"
5 "Why didn't you make him take his meds?"
First, let me just ask where were YOU when it all went to hell? Were you around then with helpful suggestions? How does this third degree make my pain lessen?
1 We tried for another child for the same reason anyone does...we wanted to share the love. And yes, when we learned the cause for our miscarriages, we considered adoption.
2 We DID call 911 in the case of our grandson ... The law does not provide for follow up until the deed is done!
3 I TRIED to make my husband go to the doctor for his b/p and other things. He was an adult male and would not listen. I am not wonder woman and had no way to force the issue.
4 If you can actually ask me when things or I will get back to normalcy be advised: THIS is the new norm for me. So get over it.
5 I tried, we ALL tried, to get him stable on his meds..again with the wonder woman thing. He was a strong 20 year old male and could not be forced into anything.
Please believe that there is nothing you can say along the guilt line that i have not already said to myself. I will always have the "what if's" to contend with in my own psyche.
And i am only speaking here from my own experience and the hurtful things said to me.
I DO realize that none of these folks had malice in what they said. They simply did not know anything else to say.
My advice to that is please just say nothing if you are not sure. It is much better that you just sit here with me and accept my feelings.
1 "Why keep trying for a baby; why not adopt?"
2 "Why didn't you call 911?"
3 "Why didn't he go to the doctor?"
4 "When will you get back to 'normal'?"
5 "Why didn't you make him take his meds?"
First, let me just ask where were YOU when it all went to hell? Were you around then with helpful suggestions? How does this third degree make my pain lessen?
1 We tried for another child for the same reason anyone does...we wanted to share the love. And yes, when we learned the cause for our miscarriages, we considered adoption.
2 We DID call 911 in the case of our grandson ... The law does not provide for follow up until the deed is done!
3 I TRIED to make my husband go to the doctor for his b/p and other things. He was an adult male and would not listen. I am not wonder woman and had no way to force the issue.
4 If you can actually ask me when things or I will get back to normalcy be advised: THIS is the new norm for me. So get over it.
5 I tried, we ALL tried, to get him stable on his meds..again with the wonder woman thing. He was a strong 20 year old male and could not be forced into anything.
Please believe that there is nothing you can say along the guilt line that i have not already said to myself. I will always have the "what if's" to contend with in my own psyche.
And i am only speaking here from my own experience and the hurtful things said to me.
I DO realize that none of these folks had malice in what they said. They simply did not know anything else to say.
My advice to that is please just say nothing if you are not sure. It is much better that you just sit here with me and accept my feelings.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
What NOT to Say
I want to help those who are open to support for someone in mourning. And i want to protect those grieving from well- intentioned yet hurtful words. This comes from years of hearing cliche's and stumblings.
Some background...a list of my grief matters:
We lost 6 babies to miscarriage when i was in my mid to late 20's.
My ward - a friend of 24 years- died of drowning in 2006.
Then my mom in 2008.
In 2013 our grandson, 20, killed himself because mental illness overwhelmed him.
In February of 2015 my love, my husband of 45 years died suddenly.
Of course many other relatives as well as friends have died and i have and still do feel great sadness. I list those specifically whose passing has had major traumatic impact on me.
If you're reading and you want to know how to help please note what not to say to one who is experiencing grief.
1. "Oh well don't be sad". You don't know how belittling and minimizing that is!! Please do not treat my feelings as though they don't matter or as though they can be turned on and off at will!
2. "He's in a better place". Really? By my side wasn't good enough? Maybe you believe in a hereafter that is amazing and filled with light and laughter. This is NOT the time to preach or to try and convince me of what YOU believe.
3. "There was probably something wrong with the baby". How many times i heard that! Do you know me well enough to judge whether or not I would want to deal with whatever was 'wrong'? I never got the chance to even try.
4. "Well you can have another one". Why do you assume that any one person can sub for another? Each baby i lost was unique unto themselves and 'another one' will not replace it.
5. "At least he didn't suffer". Again...really? You know that? Maybe the death was sudden and, yes i hope, painless. I don't KNOW that and it does not make his crossing any less painful for me.
6. "You are not alone in your grief". True. I knew that already. Sometimes shared grief can take a little edge off. Let me experience that in my own time and way. Grief support groups are great...when i am ready.
And even then, my grief and her grief take different shapes and coping skills.
I'll think of more and add them later.
My goal is not to chastise or drive away any potential helpers. It is to make your support more effective. In that spirit i will offer some truly supportive things you CAN say and do that will be more comforting.
Namaste'.
Some background...a list of my grief matters:
We lost 6 babies to miscarriage when i was in my mid to late 20's.
My ward - a friend of 24 years- died of drowning in 2006.
Then my mom in 2008.
In 2013 our grandson, 20, killed himself because mental illness overwhelmed him.
In February of 2015 my love, my husband of 45 years died suddenly.
Of course many other relatives as well as friends have died and i have and still do feel great sadness. I list those specifically whose passing has had major traumatic impact on me.
If you're reading and you want to know how to help please note what not to say to one who is experiencing grief.
1. "Oh well don't be sad". You don't know how belittling and minimizing that is!! Please do not treat my feelings as though they don't matter or as though they can be turned on and off at will!
2. "He's in a better place". Really? By my side wasn't good enough? Maybe you believe in a hereafter that is amazing and filled with light and laughter. This is NOT the time to preach or to try and convince me of what YOU believe.
3. "There was probably something wrong with the baby". How many times i heard that! Do you know me well enough to judge whether or not I would want to deal with whatever was 'wrong'? I never got the chance to even try.
4. "Well you can have another one". Why do you assume that any one person can sub for another? Each baby i lost was unique unto themselves and 'another one' will not replace it.
5. "At least he didn't suffer". Again...really? You know that? Maybe the death was sudden and, yes i hope, painless. I don't KNOW that and it does not make his crossing any less painful for me.
6. "You are not alone in your grief". True. I knew that already. Sometimes shared grief can take a little edge off. Let me experience that in my own time and way. Grief support groups are great...when i am ready.
And even then, my grief and her grief take different shapes and coping skills.
I'll think of more and add them later.
My goal is not to chastise or drive away any potential helpers. It is to make your support more effective. In that spirit i will offer some truly supportive things you CAN say and do that will be more comforting.
Namaste'.
My husband, David. I miss him so much.
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