What NOT to Say

I want to help those who are open to support for someone in mourning.  And i want to protect those grieving from well- intentioned yet hurtful words.  This comes from years of hearing cliche's and stumblings.

Some background...a list of my grief matters:
We lost 6 babies to miscarriage when i was in my mid to late 20's.
My ward - a friend of 24 years- died of drowning in 2006.
Then my mom in 2008.
In 2013 our grandson, 20, killed himself because mental illness overwhelmed him.
In February of 2015 my love, my husband of 45 years died suddenly.
Of course many other relatives as well as friends have died and i have and still do feel great sadness.  I list those specifically whose passing has had major traumatic impact on me.

If you're reading and you want to know how to help please note what not to say to one who is experiencing grief.
1.  "Oh well don't be sad".   You don't know how belittling and minimizing that is!!  Please do not treat my feelings as though they don't matter or as though they can be turned on and off at will!
2.  "He's in a better place".  Really?  By my side wasn't good enough?  Maybe you believe in a hereafter that is amazing and filled with light and laughter.  This is NOT the time to preach or to try and convince me of what YOU believe.
3.  "There was probably something wrong with the baby".  How many times i heard that!  Do you know me well enough to judge whether or not I would want to deal with whatever was 'wrong'?  I never got the chance to even try.
4.  "Well you can have another one".  Why do you assume that any one person can sub for another?  Each baby i lost was unique unto themselves and 'another one' will not replace it.
5.  "At least he didn't suffer".  Again...really?  You know that?  Maybe the death was sudden and, yes i hope, painless.  I don't KNOW that and it does not make his crossing any less painful for me.
6.  "You are not alone in your grief".  True.  I knew that already.  Sometimes shared grief can take a little edge off.  Let me experience that in my own time and way.  Grief support groups are great...when i am ready.
And even then, my grief and her grief take different shapes and coping skills.

I'll think of more and add them later.
My goal is not to chastise or drive away any potential helpers.  It is to make your support more effective.  In that spirit i will offer some truly supportive things you CAN say and do that will be more comforting.

Namaste'.

My husband, David.  I miss him so much.