Some DO's

Here, as promised, are some things and words that actually helped me.  When one you care about is deep in grief you can support them.

The biggest thing to me is not being judged!
In your interaction with a griever be unconditional.  Leave the blame/guilt game out of it.  No one knows how one's own reaction might be in a similar situation.
And it does not help to hear an opinion as to 'good or bad' ...it is neither; it just IS.

Express your honest concern.  Grief IS the elephant in the room...do not ignore it.  How sad it was for me to think that you don't care.  And how comforting to hear in your voice compassion.

Be truly available.  One hears so often "call if you need anything".  Maybe i do need something yet i don't know what.  Perhaps you could just come to me and wait while i figure it out.

Offer some very practical services. Especially if the loss was of someone very close it is easy to forget practicalities. When my husband died I was not thinking about much at all;  i was running on autopilot.
My dear, dear friend, M. E., not only lent her heart to me for hearing my pain she also provided advice and assistance in dealing with things that just have to get done.  She made a binder for me with items that needed attention and sectioned it off into "immediate", "next week", "monthly", etc.  She even made some difficult calls for me in those first few days...like dealing with the funeral home and notifying people of my spouse's death.

Last on this post though surely not least LISTEN.  Between the lines and in the silence...listen with your heart.

Arm chair critique

To continue the litany of inaporopriate and possibly unhealthy behaviors and words I'd like to talk for a minute about the person who likes to "call the game" from a position of onlooker or hindsight observer; the why and what sayers.

1 "Why keep trying for a baby; why not adopt?"
2 "Why didn't you call 911?"
3 "Why didn't he go to the doctor?"
4 "When will you get back to 'normal'?"
5 "Why didn't you make him take his meds?"

First, let me just ask where were YOU when it all went to hell?  Were you around then with helpful suggestions?  How does this third degree make my pain lessen?

1 We tried for another child for the same reason anyone does...we wanted to share the love.  And yes, when we learned the cause for  our miscarriages, we considered adoption.
2 We DID call 911 in the case of our grandson ... The law does not provide for follow up until the deed is done!
3 I TRIED to make my husband go to the doctor for his b/p and other things.  He was an adult male and would not listen.  I am not wonder woman and had no way to force the issue.
4 If you can actually ask me when things or I will get back to normalcy be advised: THIS is the new norm for me.  So get over it.
5 I tried, we ALL tried, to get him stable on his meds..again with the wonder woman thing.  He was a strong 20 year old male and could not be forced into anything.

Please believe that there is nothing you can say along the guilt line that i have not already said to myself.  I will always have the "what if's" to contend with in my own psyche.
And i am only speaking here from my own experience and the hurtful things said to me.

I DO realize that none of these folks had malice in what they said.  They simply did not know anything else to say.

My advice to that is please just say nothing if you are not sure.  It is much better that you just sit here with me and accept my feelings.

What NOT to Say

I want to help those who are open to support for someone in mourning.  And i want to protect those grieving from well- intentioned yet hurtful words.  This comes from years of hearing cliche's and stumblings.

Some background...a list of my grief matters:
We lost 6 babies to miscarriage when i was in my mid to late 20's.
My ward - a friend of 24 years- died of drowning in 2006.
Then my mom in 2008.
In 2013 our grandson, 20, killed himself because mental illness overwhelmed him.
In February of 2015 my love, my husband of 45 years died suddenly.
Of course many other relatives as well as friends have died and i have and still do feel great sadness.  I list those specifically whose passing has had major traumatic impact on me.

If you're reading and you want to know how to help please note what not to say to one who is experiencing grief.
1.  "Oh well don't be sad".   You don't know how belittling and minimizing that is!!  Please do not treat my feelings as though they don't matter or as though they can be turned on and off at will!
2.  "He's in a better place".  Really?  By my side wasn't good enough?  Maybe you believe in a hereafter that is amazing and filled with light and laughter.  This is NOT the time to preach or to try and convince me of what YOU believe.
3.  "There was probably something wrong with the baby".  How many times i heard that!  Do you know me well enough to judge whether or not I would want to deal with whatever was 'wrong'?  I never got the chance to even try.
4.  "Well you can have another one".  Why do you assume that any one person can sub for another?  Each baby i lost was unique unto themselves and 'another one' will not replace it.
5.  "At least he didn't suffer".  Again...really?  You know that?  Maybe the death was sudden and, yes i hope, painless.  I don't KNOW that and it does not make his crossing any less painful for me.
6.  "You are not alone in your grief".  True.  I knew that already.  Sometimes shared grief can take a little edge off.  Let me experience that in my own time and way.  Grief support groups are great...when i am ready.
And even then, my grief and her grief take different shapes and coping skills.

I'll think of more and add them later.
My goal is not to chastise or drive away any potential helpers.  It is to make your support more effective.  In that spirit i will offer some truly supportive things you CAN say and do that will be more comforting.

Namaste'.

My husband, David.  I miss him so much.