It's been a while...

"It's been a while now since..."
And don't think i don't know that you expect me to be DONE.
No, not all of you.
Some very close to me, however, seem to think enough time has passed since my latest loss that i ought to be WELL; that my tears ought to be dried; that my heart should be DONE with grieving.
They want me to get back to NORMAL!
As i have said before: THIS is the new normal.  This is me.  Me, with a heart broken open.  Me, with eyes at the ready to shed whatever tears may come.  Me, flawed and a little scared; a little tentative to get back into the world with its demands to be over it.
Yeah.  I'll never be over it.  You cannot love deeply and remain the same after losing your partner, friend, spouse, child, dear one.
So, instead of having expectations that fit what you need to see, why not ask what is next for me? Come to me with a willingness to be uncomfortable, to be challenged.  I will let you know when i am ready to start anew.
You say you love me.  Will you help me cross a threshold that is foreign to me?  Will you hold my hand?

Suicide's Aftermath

Words from my grandson, Tyehimba Crear,
Soundcloud.com https://soundcloud.com/tyehimba-crear/horizon.

He wrote this about 1.5 years before his death...

             HORIZON
"Every single person is a different type of love. It's not about being in love.
The only way to NOT be in love is to be in hate.
.....Can't be unhappy, I can feel your happiness from miles away.
....Knowing people is loving people.
....My mission. To personally get to know every single one of my Facebook friends.
Because I want to. Cuz that's love. Love Power Slay the hate.
...In my world, no one gets played, no one gets hurt, and its all good."

I have heard so much about the selfishness of the person who suicides.  The anger and disappointment of those 'left behind' gives rise to the blame the victim game.
In the aftermath, survivors try to find relief.  That sometimes comes at the expense of the truth.  There is no cure for the pain so we look for the reasons behind it.
Unfortunately they are not often clear and it becomes easier to fall into that rhythmic thinking of "i hurt and someone has to be held accountable".
The reality is that the person who died most probably thought they were saving us from pain by leaving.
The reality of mental illness, generally depression, is that the only way out oft times looks like death.
The reality is that, especially when 'voices' are added to the mix, the decision to die almost takes on a light at the end of the tunnel significance.
No, i will not stand by and allow anyone to blame my child for what he must have seen as his only salvation.
The pain of the illness is heavy enough; please refrain from laying responsibility for our own reactions on the victim.